


It's too much

by Inamioly



Category: Away (TV 2020)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:34:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26802964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inamioly/pseuds/Inamioly
Summary: After a talk with Kwesi regarding her and Ram's complicated relationship, Emma decides she has to do something. But what can she do when she can't even understand her own feelings?
Relationships: Ram Arya/Emma Green
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	It's too much

**Author's Note:**

> Ram and Emma make so much sense that I had to write them. However, since I do believe that Emma and Matt's relationship is also important to her, I tried to make it realistic and slowburn. I don't know yet if I will turn it into a multi-chaptered story, but for now it is a one-shot that can be read as such.
> 
> (English is not my first language, so I apologise in advance for any mistakes)
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

“Commander?”

Emma’s eyes drifted away from Pegasus’ window and towards Kwesi’s voice. Pegasus was different from Atlas in many respects, but it mirrored the bigger ship in the most important aspect of all: it had dorms, which had come quite in handy after their landing since Atlas’ were currently unusable.

Each astronaut had been able to have their own private space, albeit much smaller than the previous one and with only one bed and chair in each room. Kwesi stood by Emma’s doorway, respectful as always, and he wore the slightest of frowns. Emma smiled and invited him in. “Sorry, Kwesi. Have you been there long? I was just…” She sighed. “Thinking.”

  
Kwesi nodded. “That is good. Thinking is always a good idea. And to answer your question… no, I only just got here. I was…” He sat on a chair, fiddling. “I was wondering if I could perhaps speak to you about an important matter.”

  
Emma straightened up in her bed, leaning against the wall. “Of course. Is everything okay?”

  
The Ghanaian astronaut cleared his throat and nodded. “Yes, yes, everything is okay. With me, that is. I mean… everything-”

“Kwesi. Breathe.” She demanded, calmly, and waited until he took a deep breath. “Now, speak. Whatever it is, I’m here.”

  
Kwesi met her eyes. “Okay, I shall say it all at once, then. And do know that I mean no disrespect, nor do I mean to intrude in private matters.” He inhaled. “We landed on Mars. We’re the first ones to achieve such a feat. No-one has ever been in this position before, and no-one has had to deal with challenges such as we did. No-one can judge.”

  
Emma frowned as Kwesi paused. “Okay...”

  
“What I mean to say is… no-one can judge. I don’t pretend to know what is happening inside your head… or heart… but it worries me to see two of my friends struggling and refusing to deal with it.”

  
“Kwesi…” Her heart began racing, and she started shaking her head vigorously.

  
“No, please, commander. Allow me to finish. I only wish to say one more thing.” Kwesi stood up from the chair and smiled kindly. “Whatever you decide to do, it is up to you. However, if your actions are somewhat impaired by your fear over what we will think of you… please know that it should not be a concern of yours. No-one can judge. This is an unprecedented situation for us all, and we are all just trying to cope. We lean on one another, and it pains me to think that you are losing out on some much-needed support over something as futile as what you perceive to be our – or Earth’s – thoughts on the matter.”  
Emma felt her chest constricting, and her eyes stinging from what she desperately hoped were not impending tears. “It’s…” She cleared her throat and fiddled with the sheets. “It’s not that simple.”

  
“Isn’t it?” Kwesi walked towards the door and stopped just before leaving. “You’re not alone, Emma. That’s what I mean to say.”

  
**.**.**.**.**.**

  
It was well past their usual bedtime when Emma allowed herself to gaze away from the window. Three whole hours had passed since Kwesi’s unexpected visit, and she felt as confused as she did when hearing him speak. Staring at Mars’ red nothingness did not help. Mars had been a beautiful dream, and it was slowly coming true, but the fact was the land itself was not beautiful to look at. She missed the green meadows, the blue sky, the white clouds, the smell of rain, Matt’s smell…  
She inhaled sharply, and actual angry tears fell from her eyes. How could she so vehemently miss Matt, and still entertain… thoughts… about… And they weren’t just lustful thoughts, either. One could argue that it could be normal to miss certain physical aspects of her and Matt’s relationship, and thus feel physically attracted to…

  
She couldn’t even say it. Wiping her tears, she stood up and forced herself to breathe. In, and out. And in… and out. She didn’t just feel physical attraction towards her fellow astronaut, she actually felt something that resembled some sort of… love? Could it be? Not as she felt for Matt, but not as she felt for her other colleagues either. No, Ram was special, and it both pained and warmed her to think about him in such terms.

  
In an impulse, she opened her room’s door and all but sped towards his room, halting just before knocking. She bit her lip, suddenly unsure of what she was even going to say.

  
“Ram…?” Emma whispered, her lips near the closed door. “Ram…? Are you awake?”

  
There was no perceivable answer. No ruffling of sheets, no breathing sounds. Emma herself wasn’t sure she was breathing. After a minute that felt like one endless moment in time, Emma sighed in defeat. Just as she was about to head to her room, she heard him through his door.

  
“Emma?”

  
She stuttered. “Huh, yeah… hi.”

  
Ram’s voice sounded curious. “Hi.” He paused. “Is anything the matter?”

  
“N- no.” Emma cleared her throat and attempted to sound confident. “No, everything’s okay. Sorry for waking you.” She took two steps away from the door and started going in the direction of her room when Ram opened the door.

  
Emma’s heart stopped as she took in Ram’s sleepy smile. Her chest welled up with conflicting emotions.

  
“I wasn’t sleeping yet. Just… you know, thinking.”

  
Emma chuckled against her will, and the sound came out somewhat strangled. “Yeah, me too.”

  
Ram looked around the corridor and gave a sheepish shrug. “Would you like to talk?” He gestured towards the inside of his room.

  
“Yes, please.” She responded without thinking, feeling a strange mixture of relief and guilt wash over her as Ram guided her into his room and sat down on the bed after closing the door.

  
“You can sit here, if you want. Or on the chair, if you prefer.” He offered, patting the end of the bed.

  
Emma sat at the end of the bed and, not knowing what to do with her hands, she placed them awkwardly on her lap. She could feel Ram’s eyes on her, and inwardly hoped he couldn’t hear her rapid heartbeat. Her heart had been speeding ever since they landed on Mars, and during the two days they had been there Emma had kept her interactions with Ram to the bare minimum. The truth was she didn’t really know what to say. It wasn’t just that her mouth appeared to be uncooperative. No, even if she were able to form words and voice them out loud, her mind and heart were too disorganized to sound coherent.

  
It was just too much.

  
“I’m not…”

“Emma. I’m going to hold your hand.” Ram’s voice sounded sure, certain… safe. Emma kept her eyes focused on her hands, and gasped when his hand softly grabbed one of hers. “I’m not going to do anything else, and you can tell me to let go at any moment and I will, but until then I am going to be holding your hand. I will not let go unless you ask me to, and if you’ll allow me, I will keep holding it until you’re not shaking anymore.”

  
Shaking? Was she shaking? She frowned in confusion and stared at her arms, which were indeed shaking.

  
“It’s just too much.” She murmured and felt her attempt at not crying failing as her eyes stung with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, Ram. I’m so sorry.”

  
“Sorry? What on earth are you sorry for, Emma?” His tone was tender, and it only made her start sobbing. “Oh, Emma.”  
Emma felt him shift slightly to the side and allowed herself to rest her head against his chest, tears falling silently down her cheeks. Ram’s chest rose and fell along with his steady breathing and Emma focused on its rhythm.

  
“Everything’s so complicated.” She whispered against the fabric of his shirt. “Why is everything so complicated? I can’t even… can’t even explain what… ugh.”

  
“Shh.” Ram pulled her to him and leant back into the cushions so that they were not quite lying down but not quite sitting either. “I understand.”

  
Emma chuckled and glanced up at him. “How can you, if I don’t even understand it myself?”

  
Ram smiled. “I just do.” He squeezed her shoulder softly. “I know you.”

  
Emma absently stroked his hand. “That you do.” She sighed. “I was lying, you know that, right?”

  
“Hmm?”

  
“Before the landing, when you told me how you feel.” Emma felt him tense against her touch and touched his chest. “No, listen. I was lying. I don’t… I can’t really explain it, and I can’t promise… ugh… I’m really sorry I lied, but I can’t really explain it. I don’t know what I feel for you… I just know that I do feel it. And it hurts me to see you hurting, so I’m sorry. Truly.”  
Ram didn’t respond, just tightened his hold on her waist and inhaled deeply.

  
“I don’t know what I can give you.” Silent tears started falling once more, and she wiped them, frustrated. “I don’t know what I can give you… and yet I know that I need you. Isn’t it the most selfish thing you’ve ever heard?” She asked with a self-deprecating laugh mixed with tears.

  
“If I answer no, will you believe me?”

  
“Probably not.” Emma smiled against his chest.

  
“Well, I’m going to answer it anyway. No, it is not the most selfish thing I have ever heard. When I told you how I feel, I did it not expecting anything in return. I’d be lying if I said I have never dreamt about you feeling something for me too…” He smiled teasingly. “But I didn’t say it so that you’d be forced to respond. While I do love you now, Emma… I have loved you for years. It is not something new to me, and I was prepared to love you from afar.”

  
“But that’s not fair.” Emma whispered.

  
“Perhaps not. But I made my peace with it a long time ago.” He brushed her hair with his thumb. “I’ll admit that living with you has weakened my resolve. We are experiencing something that no other human has lived through before… and it is bound to mess with our emotions. That day, during the spacewalk… I felt such an intense surge of… I don’t know what to call it… passion? Love? Whatever it was, it was so powerful that I nearly kissed you right there, even though I know your heart belongs to Matt.”

  
“Ram…” She sighed.

  
“Hey, hey… it’s okay. I never expected anything… this is more than I ever hoped for. And if it is all that you can give me, I will gladly take it. I don’t know if I will always love you like I do now, but what I do know is that I love you, and loving you means being there for you in any way that you need me to be.” He brought her even closed to him and rested his chin on the top of her head. “Now, rest.”

  
Emma exhaled slowly, he breath still shaky. “I will have to go back to my room eventually.”

  
“Yes. Eventually.” He kissed her hair. “But not now.”

  
“Okay, not now…” She mumbled, content, and closed her eyes. “Ram?”

  
“Hmm?”

  
“For the record… I don’t don’t love you.”

  
Ram chuckled sleepily and brushed his finger against her cheek. “I don’t don’t love you too.”


End file.
